


A Magic sword and a cat

by Idontwannahittheground



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Apartment judging, Cat, Excessive Cursing, M/M, Two guys and a cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 16:57:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18525736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idontwannahittheground/pseuds/Idontwannahittheground
Summary: Wade arrives in Nate’s apartment.He has a magic sword a cat no plan and a lot of judgmental things to say about Nate’s perfectly fine apartment.





	A Magic sword and a cat

A thumping noise wakes him up. 

A barely there knock of someone landing quietly on the carpet in his apartments tiny drafty other room.

And unlike the sirens and horns and occasional drunken singing that wafts in through the closed window. This sound was something that was supposed to be missed.

A sound looking to slip by unregistered.  
He’s holding his gun before he even knows how he picked it up. 

Nate scratches at his leg his gun idly twirling in his hand. He hopes it’s a burglar. He could really mess up a burglar.

When he steps into the living room, because to call it anything else would be to admit that his apartment was a terrible waste and drain on his limited funds consisting of maybe two rooms divided by an old beaten door.

The only thing he can do is make a disappointed whining noise. It’s not a burglar.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” The intruder exclaims loudly.  
“I mean if you wanted to stare I could have put my make up on.” 

Deadpool, because of course Wade is the one breaking in, frames his mask with a gloved hand one leg kicking up in a parody of a fashion magazine. However unlike those fashion magazines, Wades legs are wider, thicker, and far more likely to smash into something. 

This is a known fact, and because of it Nate doesn’t flinch when Wades foot ends up smashing the only decent table in the room.

“That table was fucked anyways.” Wade announces.

Nate blinks once, and then again. He isn’t actually sure what to say to that to any of that. And his eyes skim over Wade pausing to take in the odd detail as he goes.

“Hey my eyes are up here you know.” Deadpool crosses his arms, the very image of offended nobility.

Nate has a hard time buying it mostly because Deadpool is covered in things that deserve looking at. Starting with the cat he was holding, and petting. That was licking the blood that was slowly congealing around the sword in his chest. 

Or maybe the fact that the sword was vibrating and humming and possible whispering. Or the fact that Wade wasn’t wearing any pants. Or underwear.  
But he was wearing a very tacky Christmas sweater over his chest and it almost went down to his mid-thigh maybe. A brief mental recollection confirms that it is in fact the middle of July.

Nate stares and Wade raises an eyebrow. The whispering sword gets a little bit louder.

“Don’t break another table or I’m stuffing your stomach full of grenades and throwing you off the roof.” Nate informs him flatly.

“Kinky and fun. You know it’s weird how rarely those two things intersect.”

Nate throws his gun on the counter. 

“What do you want Wade?”

Wade collapses on the couch, which is possibly the only other piece of furniture that isn’t completely trashed, although the wet squelching sound of his blood mixing with the fabric makes Nate wince. 

“What kind of hospitality is this?” Wade asks the cat. “I come in bleed all over his good upholstery and the mean scary man doesn’t even have the manners to ask if I want a drink.”

The cat sticks it tongue out as Wade holds it up struggling valiantly to reach some of the blood on his face.

Nate mentally stores the image somewhere in his head one of the perks of his near perfect memory is the library of information he can store away. Everything in its mental place stored by a defining trait of the memory. 

This memory doesn’t belong under either cute or disgusting and he’s forced to put it somewhere under ‘Wade, which as a category was taking up more and more space by the day.

Wade snuggles the cats face as his blood smears onto the cats fur. Nate is both disgusted and intrigued, the cat seems delighted.

Nate wishes he had kept his gun in his hand.  
“Why the fuck are you here?” 

Wade glares at him and tries to blow raspberries on the aggressively bloody cats body. The cat does it’s best not to be impaled on the still whispering blade that’s dangerously close to its feet. Nate saves the image to the mental folder marked ‘Wade’ when a pointed glare makes him realize what Wade is actually waiting for.

“Your fucking shitting me.”

He’s not asking but Wade raises one masked eyebrow.

Nate growls under his breath and stalks to the corner of the room to get fucking Wade a glass of tap water.

When he slams the cup next to Wade he’s forced to endure a solid three seconds of Wade kicking his bare legs on the coach while giggling gleefully. 

He thinks the sword laughs too.

“I got you your water damn princess, now tell me why your here.” 

Wade picks up the glass carefully “I said ask if I wanted some not just give me some of your nasty ass tap water. That’s rude.”

Wade casually flicks his wrist and the cup soars into the sink where it shatters completely.

“The fuck! Why would you do that!”

“You can’t just ask people why there white! God Karen.”

Wade giggles again kicking his legs harder nothing was funnier than his own bad jokes and the cat finally realizing it’s in the wrong place starts struggling to get away. Nate pinches his nose and counts to three thousand.

It’s Wade he does shit like this and Nate likes him in spite of his crazy and that’s what he needs to focus on when he’s bleeding all over his shit as he breaks it.

“Wade, if you don’t tell me why your here I’m going to-“

Wade claps his hands together cutting him off.

“Your going to stuff me with grenades and throw me from the roof!” Wades Jazz hands gives the cat a window of freedom and it runs away into his bedroom. Nate knows there’s going to be blood on his new sheets he just knows it. 

“Wade I will do something you do not now nor will you ever find kinky or exciting and I will do it till you break.” 

“Well this has escalated quickly.”

“Wade.”

“All right, you got me. I may have stolen something from Mumbo jumbo creeper Dr.Strange.”

“You may have stolen from Strange.”

Wade crosses his bare legs “I stole stuff from Strange.”

Another quick count to three thousand. 

“Why would you steal from the sorcerer supreme?” 

Wade not so subtly hikes the sweater he’s wearing up exposing a little more of his legs.

Nate saves the image to his memory before bracing for terrible news. Wade doesn’t use seduction unless he had nothing else to use.

“Well you see the thing is,” Wade starts. “I didn’t really have, you know. A plan.”

“You never have a plan.”

“That’s a damn lie, and lies hurt.” 

Nate pinches his face. “Ok, I’m sorry. So you didn’t have a plan.”

Wade shifts again, hikes the sweater up higher. “I may not have a reason for robbing him.”

The cat starts meowing loudly from his bedroom.  
“You robbed the sorcerer supreme.”  
Wade nods.  
“For no reason?”  
Wade pauses a second before slowly nodding again.

Nate doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry.

“You robbed the sorcerer supreme. Just because.” Nate is double checking just to be sure really sure.

In response Wade pulls the sweater up to his chest. It bunches unattractively under his arms.

Nate saves the memory.

Because that giddy bubbly feeling in the back of his throat is laughter. An urge to laugh he can’t fight even as he shoves his fist in his mouth and shakes quietly in the middle of his apartment. 

And when Wade tries to subtly yank a talking sword from his chest Nate can actually feel the tears building in his one good eye.

“It’s not polite for a gentleman to laugh at a ladies plight.” Wade reminds him still yanking on the sword that’s whispering is becoming louder and more murderous.

Nate can’t fight the few remaining guffaws that force there way out of his chest the way he’s watched alien parasites eat his fellow soldiers.

With one quick sickening crunch he yanks the sword out and Wade screams in pain before trailing off into a surprised pleased noise.

Nate laughs into his sleeve as the sword bleeds over his carpet. Unlike the table the carpet really was already fucked and a few more blood stains at this point was just going to give it a uniform color.  
“Better?”

Wade rubs both of his shoulders. “Much.”

“Thank goodness. Imagine what would happen if the good Doctors sword didn’t come out all that easy.”

“The what now?”

Nate gestures at the still whispering blade.

“It’s not unusual for Strange to leave deadly magical surprises on his weapons. We’re lucky it was nothing you have to worry about.”

Wade immediately pulls the sweater over his head cocking both bare legs forward. And despite how forced and unattractive the pose was Nate couldn’t help himself from saving the sight of a pants less Wade attempting to seduce him in his shithole apartment into the darkest corners of his mind.

“What did you do?”

“I didn’t steal a sword.”

“What.”

“I have plenty of swords writers can’t help but give me swords. I have enough swords to power a small army on sword power. Why do I need more swords?”

Nate pauses at this rare moment of relatively mental clarity. Wade does have a lot of swords. “What did you steal?”

Wades mask bunches as he thins his lips. When suddenly he shoots a finger into the other room.

Nate is confused for exactly two seconds.  
“You stole the cat!”

“Yes.”

“Why would you steal his cat?”

“Well I figured if everything he has is magical then the cat needed to be magical too.”

“It was a cat.”

“Potentially a magic cat Nate! I can’t just leave a potentially magical cat lying around.”

“The cat wasn’t lying around it belonged to Strange.”

“That mans like a circus, nothing but criminal negligence of animals going on everywhere.”

“Cats take care of themselves!”

“That’s why I stole it.”

“That makes no sense!” Nate’s voice is rising dangerously fast.

“Your apartment is a shithole.”

“It was competitively priced in an inflated market. And that’s completely off topic!”

“No it’s completely on topic, turned on topic.” Wade pauses his eyes confused as if he just now hears what he’s saying.

The sword makes a faint humming sound rattling against the wall. They both watch it glow before it settles down again.

Nate rubs at his face there’s a tired aching feeling beneath his eyes. This century was aging him faster than the future ever did.

“Ok, let’s just forget the cat for now ok.”

Wade nods eagerly.

The cat screeches from the other room and they both elect to ignore it. 

“Lets talk about something else for a little while, can we just.” Nate falls into one of the few chairs he has left. “Please.”

Wade nods again. “Sure, we have the weather, school and sports. Various sex acts and ohh.” He shoves his hands into the top part of his costume. “I also stole a cosmo magazine, 34 questions to decide if he’s hot or not.”

Wade glances from the tired lines on Nates face to the smooth actor on the cover.  
“I’m gonna guess it says not.”

Nate harrumphes and Wade laughs. The sword makes a disturbing echo sound.

“But hey don’t be upset baby!” Wade calls cheerfully. “If it says not, we both now I’m more likely to like you just to be contrary and random.”

Wade shakes the magazine his eyes wide and excited. And as always Nate finds that he can’t quite help himself around Wade.

“What do you do, if it says I’m hot?” Nate asks.

Wade stares at him for a moment. “Strip and I’ll tell you.”

That elicits another laugh and Wade quickly calls out.  
“No wait, I’ll give you a twenty to strip!”

“Oh, I’m a stripper now?”

“Not until after you strip!”

Nate laughs loud enough to shake his chair. Or no that’s the sword again whispering bloody victories as the apartment shakes and the two naked lightbulbs flicker

Nate is a little impressed. And he can’t help but point at it.  
“If you didn’t steal it from Strange. Then where did the sword come from?”

“Uhhh.” Wade shrugs.

And there’s definitely something familiar in that large eyed lost look in his eye.

“You don’t know do you?” He doesn’t have to wait for Wades confirming nod. “How do you not now?

“There was a temple. Some evil temple. And they had the sword and I took it.”

“Just some temple. Where was it located?”

Wade shrugs again. “Someplace with lots of like... temples. The plot likes to give me swords.”

The cat makes a loud howling sound before something. Likely a mirror Nate judges, smashes.

“It’s wrecking my fucking apartment.” Nate side eyes his guns.

Wade tracks how he tries to subtly bring the gun back to him. “No shooting the cat! And your apartment is already wrecked, the cat is a joy to your sad domestic life.”

“It’s potentially magical,” Nate reminds him “you shoot potentially magical cats.”

Wade freezes his face flashing from delighted to horrified to upset. “Don’t turn my magical cat argument against me. Your supposed to be the sensible one.” He points an accusing finger at him.

Nate feels the laughter bubbling up in him again. Buried under the faint annoyance of having to bleach the blood out of the couch and carpet, again. 

Wade was a little like blood. He was vibrant and hard to get rid of.

And he laughs loud enough for the tenet beneath them to whack the floor with her broom.

Three loud raps and a screamed  
“Shut up!” From underneath there feet.

“Nate your apartment is possessed.” 

“That’s just my neighbor.”

“And there’s blood leaking through my ceiling again!” Her shrill voice shrieks.

Nate rolls his eyes and fires a bullet into the floor beneath him. His neighbor makes a suspicious screaming sound before shuffling back to bed.

“See,” Nate replies “it’s fine.”

Wade squints at him. “Omg, new canon has made me the sane one in this relationship hasn’t it?”

“I thought you said it made you the tall one?” 

Wade nods slowly. “It really did.”

The cat wanders into there room circling random bits of the floor before climbing into Nate’s lap.

The feather light breeze against his side is the only indicator that Wade even moved.

“Wade.” Nate warns.

Wade sinks back Into the couch spinning Nate’s gun in nimble fingers.  
“No shooting the cat.”

Nate frowns down at the squirming pile of fur. “I wasn’t going to shoot the cat.”

He spends too long looking at the cat. When he looks up Wade has pulled his mask off his head and is watching him with wide shining eyes.

“What?”

“That’s why the cat was in the trailer.” Wade says softly.

“What.” He repeats.

The cat starts purring rubbing it’s head against his chest.

“The trailer, you don’t put the cat in the trailer unless it’s magical. It just gives the whole damn game away.” Wade shakes his head sadly.

“I don’t understand.” Nate tells him.

Wade sighs, long and a little sad. “It’s ok Nate I got this.”

He leaps off the couch scratching at his ass as he grabs all of his weapons.

“Where are you going?”

“Gotta go deal with Strange, can’t have him stealing the cat back.” Wade replies.

“Wade, you can’t keep his cat.”

“I’m not going too. You my dear muchacho with benefits are.” Wade sing-songs.

He glances back down at the rumbling living thing licking his metal arm. “What?”

“Your apartment is shit.” Wade pulls his sweater back on letting the ruined fabric sag near his knees.

The memory is saved. Right next to every other ridiculous outfit Wade has ever worn.

“What does my apartment have to do with a cat?”

Wade huffs. “I’m trying to be helpful here.”

Nate looks down studies the cat. Studies the high slope of Wades shoulders and the way he kept grabbing at his swords.

He’s missing something.

It takes a minute of him quietly starting into nothing absently petting the cat as Wade tries to unsuccessfully shimmy into a spare pair of his cargo pants before he finally gets it.

“Wade?”

“Yeah buddy oh fucking buddy.” Wade hops on one foot as if that will force his body into the much too small pants. 

“Did you steal a cat for me?”

Wade pauses one leg lifted in mid air.  
“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

Wade shifts uncomfortable, eyeing the windows like he wants to jump out of them. “Yeah. Oh.”

Wade didn’t have a plan which means he had seen a cat and thought that Nate would want one. Or no, he thought Nates apartment was shit and that a cat would what, lighten the mood? 

No.

He stole a cat from Strange because he thought Nate would want one. And staring down at it, he has to admit he kind of does.

“Thank you, Wade.”

Wade scoffs. “Thank me by buying larger pants a dwarf couldn’t fit in these! My butt is way to big for these flat monstrosities!”

Nate eyes Wades butt for another moment.

“If you want you could cut the bottoms off and wear them as shorts.”

Wade stops and stares at him before lunging for his sword.  
“Ohh fuck!” He slams hard into the floor before scrambling to the magic sword in the corner.

“Fuck yeah I’m gonna be Laura fucking tomb raider!”

Nate blinks twice his memory cycling through all the hero identities he’s familiar with. 

“I don’t know her.”

Wade shoots him a wink over his shoulder as he mangles the pants he’s wearing. “Hey don’t worry about that, I’ll catch you up on all the relevant. Bits.”

Wade does something with his face that looks ridiculous and kind of like he has gas pains. 

Nate saves that face to memory too.

He barely manages to open the window before a now shorts and sweater wearing Wade leaps through them whooping obscenities as his magic sword screams in a dialect he’s unfamiliar with.

He glances down at the cat still content to be held.  
“I’m pretty sure Strange isn’t getting you back.” He tells it.

The cat looks up at him with lazy eyes.

The sun is starting to peak over the city. Nate surveys the few remaining pieces of furniture left. 

He should probably clean up.

Nate presses the cat to his chest and carefully steps over shattered glass and broken chairs until he collapses back on his sheets.

And yes there was blood on them he fucking knew it. And as he mumbled tired aggression laced curses into his pillow the warm weight of the cat climbing onto his back before settling down felt good.

His apartment was shit. 

But at least he has a cat.

**Author's Note:**

> I think this is the one thing I really ship where I’m super glad that I’m not there to see it in its glorious fireball of everything that is 
> 
> ‘Wade allergic to the F word Wilson’
> 
> And ‘Nate feelings give me a rash Summers’
> 
> I know you thought there middle names were different. But there not.


End file.
